


The Other Ian

by dragonspell



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-12
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-03-07 05:46:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3163463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonspell/pseuds/dragonspell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There’s another Ian.  He lives in Ian’s head, this other him, and makes Ian do things—things that Ian doesn’t want to do.  Ian knows that they’re wrong, that he shouldn’t.  The other him doesn’t care.</p><p>Spoilers for episode 5x01.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Other Ian

There’s another Ian. He lives in Ian’s head, this other him, and makes Ian do things—things that Ian doesn’t want to do. Ian knows that they’re wrong, that he shouldn’t. The other him doesn’t care.

The other him steals things that Ian meant to buy, makes him scream about nothing at all, fills him up with guilt for the things that they do. Ian can’t control the other him. He’s just along for the ride. Ian yells and pounds at the windows of his mind, but they’re shatterproof and locked. The other Ian won’t let him through until it’s done.

Ian doesn’t know when the other him is going to take over. He just does; he’s always waiting. Ian will be at the grocery store like he should be, looking for things that he needs and he’ll notice a stranger looking at him. Heat will curl in his belly and Ian’s disgusted but the other him likes it. The other him eyes the stranger back, gives him a nod, invites him out. The other him jerks the stranger off in the parking lot when Ian should be driving to pick up Mickey.

The other him does this and Ian doesn’t know why. There’s nothing for either of them in this but guilt and secrets. The release is momentary, gone almost as soon as it hits, and all Ian can remember is that he shouldn’t be here and he can’t tell Mickey. He asks the other him why but as soon as they’re done, Ian’s alone again, left to pick up the pieces until the other him wants something again.

Ian will see something and think that it’s nice. He wants to walk on by, but the other him reaches out and puts it in their pocket. Ian will toss it away later.

A guy with bruised fists and a shirt that reads “AIDS Kills Fags” asks him if he likes it up the ass and Ian turns away because he doesn’t have time for idiots or their so-called ideas. The other him, though, feels differently. The other him turns back around and tells the guy all about how good it feels to fuck a guy, when you’ve got him gasping underneath you, his hard cock leaking on his stomach—how it feels incredible when a guy comes on your dick. Then he ducks the wild swing and aims for the throat because the other him knows how to hurt, just like Ian does. He leaves Ian back in charge when the guy’s on the ground, gasping for air, and Ian runs.

Ian’s family laugh at the table in the diner, telling stories, and Ian wants to join in but the other him has only got eyes for the busser who’s staring him down. In the bathroom, the other him turns in looks in the mirror, letting Ian see but it doesn’t matter because Ian already knows. Ian looks away and the other him takes him into the stall and lets the busser suck their dick. In the end, Ian slinks back out feeling like dirt and he’s got one more thing he can’t tell Mickey.

At night Mickey holds him, lets Ian fuck him and nuzzles against him, pressing sweet little kisses to Ian’s neck. Ian buries his face against Mickey’s skin because it’s too much and he doesn’t deserve any of it. He doesn’t know why the other him makes him cheat. When Mickey’s in his arms, there’s no one else that Ian thinks about, no one else that Ian wants. Mickey’s all that he needs. 

The other him stays away when Ian’s holding Mickey but Ian knows why.

He watches Mickey sleep, already on his third cigarette. He feels something stirring inside of him, something dark and other and he wants to do anything to take his mind off of it. When Mickey’s with him, it’s easier to just be Ian. He’ll look at Mickey’s smile, he’ll touch Mickey’s hand, and he’ll remember who he is again. If Mickey wasn’t around, Ian doesn’t know what would happen to him. He wonders if maybe the other him would take over permanently.

He can’t lose Mickey, so he can’t tell him, can’t let him know. The fear is building like the guilt. Mickey deserves better, but Ian can’t let him go. He needs Mickey too much.

He loves him.

Ian wakes Mickey up and proves it, thrusting himself into Mickey again and again. Mickey takes everything that Ian gives to him and offers everything back in return. It’s their third time this night and afterward, Mickey’s too worn out to go another round even though Ian wants it. Mickey throws an arm around Ian and kisses him good night again and Ian clings back because he feels himself slipping.

In the dark, Ian’s back to watching Mickey sleep, another cigarette dangling from his mouth as Mickey breathes steadily in and out beside him, one hand outstretched to graze Ian’s hip. Ian gets up and heads into the bathroom. The other him is looking at him in the mirror and Ian looks back.

It’s only him. Ian knows. It’s all just him.


End file.
